On taking an Internet break

It's interesting to go from being online all day, every work day to five straight days without. I have a computer at home and tell myself that I tend to stay off of it for more than a few minutes at a time because A) I'm on it all day at work and B) I can't see the TV from the computer chair but the real truth is C) my cat gives me hell every time I turn it on. Seriously, Bo. Who's got the opposable thumbs?

Opposable thumbs does not = in charge

Anyway, five days without having to fill time surfing. Because when I'm not busy at work, that's basically what I'm doing all day. Oh, the places you'll go when you are trying to kill time on the Internet.

But where did I go when I wasn't? Yahoo was deliberate logging on; I preferred keeping people up-to-date on the medical doings via email instead of having the same conversation twenty times. In the five minutes at a time I ventured onto the web (no, I don't know why I capitalize "Internet" and not "web") I checked for new emails and got caught up on the interesting threads on the bulletin board where I chat with my long-term web-buds.

I tended not to read LJ because I want to give posts more time than I had, but boy did I miss it! I've gotten hooked on 's world, Shayara and missed her twice weekly reminders to check for new context. I'm crazy for 's incense stories set in Kherishdar. And while I have friends who've established presences in two or three different places on the 'Net, some of you I only interact with here and I missed you!

I have to confess I did go to VH-1's site because I can't get there from here; because I love Rich, who writes for their blog; and because I had to watch a dozen or so clips of unseen material to get in the mood for the Rock of Love reunion (judge me all you want).

And I kept up with the AL East standings because despite all rhyme and reason, the Orioles are still ahead of the Yankees.

Things I didn't miss, or seek out in those few minutes online: Gawker, though damn if I don't have a tab open there now. The two or three personal blogs I read that are mostly about fashion or name-dropping or being seen. I like to splurge on high-end things every once in a while (well, they're high-end in terms of what I can afford) and I admire people who are consciously turned out but have no delusions of ever caring about it enough to be one of them.

In short, anything having to do with celebrities (except Bret), people who want to be celebrities (except Heather), or people who care about people who want to be celebrities (except Rich) was off my radar. I looked at my bookmarks today and could easily delete three quarters of them.

But I'm sure I'd only build them back up again in the four months between me and my next planned five-day break.

God and the shovel

So I'm at my home-group Monday night and I admit, I wasn't paying the speaker my completest attention. I had the treasury on my lap and was trying to calculate and count to finish my report in time for the post-meeting group conscience. Once I figured out where the extra $50 came from, I tuned in and heard the speaker talking about her finances. She sat down and figured out her bills and how much she typically makes (I believe she said she waits tables) and discovered that she's about $300 short every month.

Her solution? Just keep going; God will provide. God has always met me at the level of my needs; there's no reason to believe He'll stop now.

Okay. I have no trouble with people who believe that God's in charge. I understand that lots of people believe everything happens for a reason and that it's all part of God's plan - I don't agree with them, but I understand where they're coming from. However, people who think that whatever happens in their lives is God's will? That seems awfully convenient to me.

A few years ago, a mutual friend of V's and mine was pregnant with her third child. With her third "baby daddy". I was so frustrated and ranting, knowing how hard it is to be a single mom (her relationship with the baby's father wasn't the best) and knowing damn well that our friend could have been more careful about this. "Don't you think the baby has a Higher Power that will take care of it?" V asked me. "Are you saying that all those people killed in the tsunami didn't?" I came back. See? I just don't think it's fair to give God the praise for the good stuff that happens without a better explanation for the bad stuff than "He works in mysterious ways".

Anyway, the speaker went on to say something about her brother moving in with his absurd number of cats. He didn't adopt all of them - two of his cats had litters. One of the last things she said was something about not knowing how she was going to afford dog food next month since her dog is pregnant too.

Here is where I have a problem with the whole "God will meet me at the level of my needs" attitude. They know what causes pregnancy in animals, you know, and for the price of a couple of months' worth of dog food, you can take your animals to these special doctors - just for animals! - who will wave a magic scalpel and make it so your pet will reproduce no more. You will never have to wonder where all the new mouths to feed came from.

The first part of the saying is "God will move mountains"; the second part is "but I have to bring the shovel." Bring it, get dirty and sweaty using it, and generally do some of the damn work myself. God will meet me at the level of my needs - guess what. No one needs 15 cats that they can't afford to maintain. As much as I love animals, they're pretty far down the list of things I truly need when my budget is tight. (And no, I'm not someone who thinks it's okay to give up the pets you brought into your new house that you can't afford now that your rate has adjusted, but that's another post.)

Even I say the the Universe gave me my house. I wasn't ready to look for a place of my own; I certainly didn't have a down-payment saved. But when an affordable house became available in a great neighborhood and my friend's mom the realtor told me about it, I could buy it. Because I have a good job and my car was almost paid off and I had stock I could sell to pay back what someone loaned me for the deposit. The Universe knocked on the door and said "Hey! Here's a house." I'm the one that was in the position to walk through it.

I was trying to think of a way to raise the topic of personal accountability once she'd finished sharing, but checked my motives and kept my mouth shut. That's why I have a journal, right? To rant, and only look like an ass in front of people I don't have to show my face in front of every week. I know you guys are all over the place in terms of belief. What are your thoughts on accountability? I'm trying to think of a good metaphor, like if life is a river and you're in a boat, is God the captain? The boat dealer? The gas (or wind, if you'd prefer to sail)? The surface tension that keeps you afloat?

Getting on my own nerves

I just got an email from the mom of the dog I took care of over...what was it, President's Day weekend? Whatever. She and her husband (along with some unnamed others) are going to Spain and Italy for 17 days in July and wanted to know if I could help take care of Mel while they are gone.

The jealousy. It burns.

But first I had to wonder who they're going with and if it's people I'm also friends with, then I'm really hatefully jealous, because...why? Am I jealous of their disposable cash? Their vacation time? Certainly, as far as freedom from responsibility goes, I am one of the least-encumbered people I know. But I'm not much of a solo adventurer (says the girl who took herself to Seattle last year, where she rented a car and drove up to Arlington and back) and blah blah feeling-sorry-for-myself-cakes.

A friend stopped by to visit while I was in the middle of typing this and took all the wind out of my sails. Suffice it to say that I REALLY hate when I react with jealousy rather than congratulatory happiness at the good fortunes of others. Dammit, they work hard. Let them enjoy their lives without making it all about you.

In other news, Ambre? Really, Bret? Can't wait to watch the VH-1 extras online.

GETTING. THINGS. DONE.

Having blood drawn tomorrow; seeing regular doctor on Monday for anesthesia clearance; laparoscopy scheduled for Friday (18th) AM first thing.

My crazy. Let me show you it.

I've lost my whole perspective on this "health event". The doctor's appointment yesterday...well, first there was the 45 minute wait. When I got there I asked the girl sitting at the counter if I could pay my balance and she said "we'll take care of that when we check you in." Thirty minutes - and no "check in" - later, I asked again if I could pay while I was waiting. I paid. Then there was more waiting.

Once the doctor finally sat down with us (my mother was there to be an extra set of ears), I was so flustered and frustrated that I could barely form sentences. That wasn't mitigated when she told me that either I wasn't on the calendar yet or that the office manager would have to call me with the information. She asked if there was a date that was better for me and I said a Thursday or Friday would give me the weekend. We generally do them on Thursdays; usually later in the day. Oh - okay, I can get in half a day of work. Less leave to use. My mother says something about fasting before the procedure. Really? Oh yes - no food or drinks for the eight hours before the procedure. Hey! There's a new piece of information! Perhaps that half day of work is a bad idea.

So - next week works for me. Oh, well it won't be that soon - you have to go through some other procedures first. Oh yeah? Like what? Well, an H&P and blood tests, but she'll give you all that information when she calls... I cut her off. What's an H&P? It's a "history & physical", but she'll - but won't I have to make an appointment with my GP for that? Why can't I be getting that done now while I'm waiting an unfathomable amount of time for this office manager to make a phone call about scheduling my procedure? It's only been a WEEK since you called me with the results of the blood tests that were done a MONTH ago. What else do I have to do? Blood tests, but we'll give you all that... Again, my brain is screaming, what's wrong with telling me now??!!

Then we're back to "are there any days that are bad for you?" My mother pipes up - yes, she's an attendant in a wedding in Florida on May 18th. Oh, it'll be done way before that. It'll be done this month. I hate to break it to ya, lady, but there's only one Thursday in April after the 17th.

At this point all the questions I have written down are a lost cause. I skip through them half-heartedly and find out that she's not planning on removing the cyst but might drain it. They will extract something that they'll run tests on. I ask how long it will be before I know whether they found anything to be concerned about. Well, the tests take about a week... But when will you tell me if you saw anything? Well, anything I tell you after the procedure you won't remember because of the anesthesia... My mother pipes up "I'll be there" before I can spit out "no shit, Sherlock." Yes, you can tell my mother what you saw. Oh.My.God.

Somehow the question comes up of what she'll do if she finds something. She can either open me up then or wake me up, tell me about it, and schedule another procedure. Fuck. This is where I start to freak out. I envision my mother making medical decisions on my behalf and my life being at risk. Fuck. I am not in the ideal frame of mind to make this decision. I stammer something about going ahead and doing it while she's there, picturing myself sobbing over my cat as I say good-bye to him on my way out the door.

This whole thing is pushing my crazy buttons and my addict buttons. I know it's not all about me and I know that while I am panicking inside, it's just another day at the office for the doctor and her staff. I know that no amount of crazy now is going to have any effect on what happens during the procedure. I know there are factors involved that I'm not privy to and I know that the doctor stuff is her job, not mine.

I know I am powerless to make any of this happen any faster and I need to just let go of trying to be in control.

I know that disengaging from life until this is all over is not going to help anything, no matter how much I want to crawl under the covers and stay there. And I certainly can't take a mental health day from work because I have to save my leave (the leave I don't use getting the H&P and the blood tests).

I know all of that - in my head. If someone could get my gut's attention and fill it in, I'd appreciate it.

So far, no good

That was the biggest fucking waste of time. Still don't know when the procedure is, the doctor tells me I have to have some other things done before the procedure but "she'll give you all of that information when she calls." Um, wouldn't it be helpful if you told me what I need to do sooner rather than later so I could get the appointments scheduled?

I couldn't be more pissed off and the only thing I know now that I didn't know before is that it's my CA 125 that's elevated; it's 41.5 and normal is 30-35.

And I chairing a meeting tonight. I'm feeling really damned spiritual.

Re: the ovarian cyst

I finally heard from my doctor about the blood tests. (She said she'd been trying to get in touch with me. Has she ever heard of leaving a message?) One of the tumor markers is elevated. She wants to go ahead with the laparoscopy to take a look at what's going on.

In the meantime I'm going in to her office to discuss the procedure and go over any questions I may have. I didn't have many at 8:00 last night when she called but I'm sure you guys will have plenty. I know we talked about endometriosis; I think she said the elevated tumor marking is compatible with it and I know the cyst is as well. I'm going to try really hard to not Google "elevated tumor marking + endometrioma".

The laparoscopy is an out-patient procedure. They say I'll be back to work "in a week or two"; let's hope for one since I don't have two weeks of sick leave!

Prayers, good thoughts, and the like are more than welcome, whichever you may do in situations like these. I know a laparoscopy is not that big a deal, but it's my first experience with something like this and my head comes up with lots of bad thoughts.