Enough

I'm still not okay.

I just finished a quick tour of Greek Tragedy, one of The Observer's World's 50 Powerful Blogs (ahhhhh - that's why so many of them are British blogs I've never heard of). Stephanie Klein is an author who had what sounds like a wild-woman single life and is now married, the mother of twins, a published author, and a Lost freak.

After reading that she's got weight issues, I check the next picture I see of her and compare myself to it. Damn. She's winning. In white pants, even. Then I read the entry in which she quotes the description of her "perfect world life" from one of her first entries and realizes she's made most of it manifest.

And despite everything I said to Dr. B. (an old philosophy prof I met with for career/life advice) on Sunday, I'm not there. I'm not living my perfect world life. Am I?

Stephanie Klein's vision included a husband with whom she's "connected in a deep meaningful way", kids, a writing career, an SUV, and a home with land, a sauna, and a pool. As I start to describe my perfect world life I figure out my first problem: nailing it down. Yes, I want to be married - I want a partner to talk about the party to on the drive home, to take swing dance lessons with me, to be loved by deeply and meaningfully. But if I can't have that, I want to be okay on my own. Which I mostly am.

I want a job that pays me to do something I love. However, as has already been established, there is nothing I'm so passionate about that I can't not do it. Do I love anything enough to commit to it the way a career would demand? Could I do it on the job's terms and not mine? Hmmmm. If I can't have that, I want a job that I don't have to take home, that pays me enough to be comfortable, that doesn't demand I show up before 8:30 or 9. Which I have.

My perfect world life never included kids of my own - I love children, but I've never felt that need to have my own. And I don't. My perfect world life always included my own house - and I have one.

I want to be able to travel - I can and do. I want cats - I currently have one who insists on being the only child. I'd love a boat and a hot tub and a backyard with some privacy. But I don't want the hassle of a boat and am not sure I want to spend the money on a hot tub and for now, have a yard that's easy to mow.

The truth is my perfect world life is a moving target. I am constantly in flux. There is no way one reality could possibly satisfy all the things I can imagine wanting. Which leads to me, again, to the same conclusion I always come to when I start down this road of thought. No matter what I continue to want, there's only one thing I really need to live my perfect world life every day.

Enough.

And just like that, I'm okay.