Random confession

Here is a thing about which I am ashamed although I'm not sure I need to be. At the very least, it is a thing that makes me unhappy.

I have been perpetually deferred from donating blood. Fifteen years ago I was in a sexual relationship with someone who, before I met him, used IV drugs. I imagine that one or two partners I've had since getting clean also have IV drug use in their past. Despite all parties involved testing negative for HIV, disclosure of this fact renders me unsuitable to donate.

I understand the necessity of maintaining a clean blood supply; I understand that actions have consequences. This is one of those things that makes me feel "less than" - somehow unclean; unwelcome to contribute. I am especially saddened since I am O+, which is compatible with any positive blood type.

Monday

Monday night I’m chairing the meeting celebrating my thirteenth year of sobriety. I have no idea what I’m going to say. I feel like I’ve never been as close to the edge of insanity/paralysis/the abyss as I am now. So what do I say? Do I stand up and say “Look, newcomers still trying to detox! Stay clean for 13 years and all this can be yours!”? ‘Cause for real, I’d look at me and think it wasn’t fucking worth it.

I can’t wait to see what’s going to come out of my mouth.

A day late...

…but I think I just had an epiphany. Check me: if my conscious goal is to satisfy/please/make content my Ego (the me-ness of me) but it is the nature of the Ego to never be satisfied/pleased/content, by definition my goal is unattainable.

I need a different goal - or to lose the idea of goal-oriented-ness. But how do I thank my Ego for sharing and send it on its way?

The clouds are breaking, finally

This has been a spectacularly bad season. I wonder if I've always been like this. Yes, autumn is lovely with the leaves and the gourds and the children in cute costumes plus it has football and the Renaissance Festival, yet it drives me right 'round the bend. I used to think it was all about knowing winter was coming, but I'm almost never as low in the winter as I am in the fall. Even though I hate the cold and can't wear cute shoes. My out-of-sync Seasonal Affect Disorder is just another of my weird symptoms.

I used to think it was the cold but maybe it's the light. Seriously - if I can get my holiday shopping/obligations taken care of before my birthday, I pretty much breeze through the holidays and start taking giddy pictures of the days getting longer.

Whatever my particular story is, several friends have reassured me that late September into late November is always a bad time for me. This year it just hit me especially hard, maybe. Then there's the whole "ended my three-year relationship in June" thing. And the "turning an age which shall remain unacknowledged" thing. Throw in a couple of spectacularly bad decisions I'd rather not discuss (no long-term bad consequences besides feeling like an ass, thank the Maker)...it was a spectacularly bad season. One where I dragged myself through each week doing the bare minimum possible to keep my home from falling into complete disarray to get to the weekend, when I moved from the bed to the couch and watched (and napped in front of) every baseball playoff and then football game to believe I was engaged in something. The diet went halfway to hell (I'd keep making South Beach-compliant food to take to work, then eat a huge piece of pound cake with chocolate frosting every night), exercise dwindled to one or two yoga classes a week, and meetings dropped to one, maybe two a week. Did I mention I started smoking? (My standard pack-a-week.) Then there was the anxiety about preparations for the holidays and the socializing that comes therewith, which I fight through almost every time I go out these days but seemed so overwhelming in that space.

This past weekend was my first hyper-planned one and I not only survived, but caught up with some household doings as well. Maybe that Newton guy was onto something. Not only did I attend two parties (bringing food and ornament-making supplies to one; food and gift-wrapping supplies to the other), but I put my Halloween decorations back in the shed, got out the Christmas decorations, put up storm windows in the kitchen and bathroom, did two loads of laundry, made my food for the week, put up my tree, and got lights on it. I don't think I even broke down sobbing once!

I'm still not exercising and I'm not really trying to tighten up on the diet again until January, but I haven't gotten a new pack of cigarettes and I have almost all of my shopping done. Yes, autumn is lovely, but this year I am thrilled to see it go.