And so very sorry at the same time.
But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work.
Friday, October 28, 2011
And that, dear readers, is why I love baseball.
I went to sleep when it was still 7-4 Rangers and I'm excited about what happened last night. Greenie's description made it for me: (paraphrased)"Bottom of the 9th, two on, two out...there were the Rangers, one strike away from a World Series championship, when David "Error in the 4th allowing a run to score" Freese knocks in a triple to tie the game (the Rangers were up by two before that). All the Rangers let go of the railing, deflated, and get ready to play more baseball."
To the 10th, where my favorite player of the series, Josh Hamilton (recovering addict and guy in the wrong place at the most horrible of times who threw a ball in the stands to a kid whose father reached too far over the railing to catch it and died of injuries therefrom) hit a two-run homer to put the Rangers ahead. The Cards get one back, but once more, they are down to their last strike. As the Rangers get ready to rush the field, Berkman bats in the tying run.
Enough excitement for you? There is no clock in this game; no prevent defense; no taking a knee. You have to execute every play to force every out. David Freese, with a walk-off homer in the 11th, bought his team 27 more. There is more baseball tonight, and I don't have to get up for work tomorrow.
To the 10th, where my favorite player of the series, Josh Hamilton (recovering addict and guy in the wrong place at the most horrible of times who threw a ball in the stands to a kid whose father reached too far over the railing to catch it and died of injuries therefrom) hit a two-run homer to put the Rangers ahead. The Cards get one back, but once more, they are down to their last strike. As the Rangers get ready to rush the field, Berkman bats in the tying run.
Enough excitement for you? There is no clock in this game; no prevent defense; no taking a knee. You have to execute every play to force every out. David Freese, with a walk-off homer in the 11th, bought his team 27 more. There is more baseball tonight, and I don't have to get up for work tomorrow.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Just another double entendre in the workplace...
Probably shouldn't post while I can still feel the heat of my embarassment, but it's also part anger, and dammit, I shouldn't have to feel this way in any situation, let alone in a meeting at work.
We have team members in another city, and we have weekly meetings with video enabled so everyone can "be in the same room". Which gives us all the opportunity to see ourselves on TV. Today I was noting how far out my highlights have grown and made the comment that the only person who cared about the top of my head was my boyfriend, who is almost a foot taller than I am.
But a couple of the guys in the room stopped hearing me after "...my boyfriend" because they were laughing hysterically, obviously envisioning a sexual scenario in which my boyfriend would be seeing the top of my head. Their laughter was contagious, and I was horrified.
The thing is, there was a day when I would have had a come-back for that and I wouldn't have cared that we were in a team meeting, or that our boss was there with us. But as I learn more about rape culture and the patriarchy, I'm seeing that "harmless" jokes like that A) aren't appropriate in most situations and B) immediately objectify the woman being joked about.
Or am I just embarassed that I didn't think of a come-back quickly enough to use it - to take the power away from them? We joke around in our team meetings all the time. Is it just because I have a sexual assault involving fellatio in my past, or is it the bigger issue of sexual jokes at the expense of a woman? And would it be okay if I wasn't embarassed by it? Is it okay for our sexuality to be hinted at at work? In the company of only certain people? I don't consider sex "dirty" and am comfortable with the fact that I live in an animal body, but does that mean it's always okay to make jokes about it?
We have team members in another city, and we have weekly meetings with video enabled so everyone can "be in the same room". Which gives us all the opportunity to see ourselves on TV. Today I was noting how far out my highlights have grown and made the comment that the only person who cared about the top of my head was my boyfriend, who is almost a foot taller than I am.
But a couple of the guys in the room stopped hearing me after "...my boyfriend" because they were laughing hysterically, obviously envisioning a sexual scenario in which my boyfriend would be seeing the top of my head. Their laughter was contagious, and I was horrified.
The thing is, there was a day when I would have had a come-back for that and I wouldn't have cared that we were in a team meeting, or that our boss was there with us. But as I learn more about rape culture and the patriarchy, I'm seeing that "harmless" jokes like that A) aren't appropriate in most situations and B) immediately objectify the woman being joked about.
Or am I just embarassed that I didn't think of a come-back quickly enough to use it - to take the power away from them? We joke around in our team meetings all the time. Is it just because I have a sexual assault involving fellatio in my past, or is it the bigger issue of sexual jokes at the expense of a woman? And would it be okay if I wasn't embarassed by it? Is it okay for our sexuality to be hinted at at work? In the company of only certain people? I don't consider sex "dirty" and am comfortable with the fact that I live in an animal body, but does that mean it's always okay to make jokes about it?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Child abuse/neglect in the US
Over the past 10 years, more than 20,000 American children are believed to have been killed in their own homes by family members. That is nearly four times the number of US soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Every five hours, a child dies from abuse or neglect in the US.
...
I can't find words to follow those statistics. I had no idea it was that bad.
I love reading US news in other countries' media. This article is from the BBC; it asks some tough questions about how children are likely to fare being related to the state in which they're born. Texas and Vermont are contrasted - Texas is a low tax, low service state; Vermont is high tax/high service. According to the BBC, children in Texas are"... four times more likely to be incarcerated, and nearly twice as likely to die from abuse and neglect" as children in Vermont.
Of course, it's impossible to tease apart all of the factors at play in determining the likely fate of each American child. However, this article notes that, unlike the US, "...other rich nations have social policies that provide child care, universal health insurance, pre-school, parental leave and visiting nurses to virtually all in need."
At this point, I'd love to be able to present statistics on abortion rights in each state and proclaim that Texas is only interested in children before they are born. But it's not that simple. A summary of abortion regulations by state shows Texas to have less restrictive policies than most. I could try to use the Republican control of the Texas legislature as proof that the state's ultimate goal is to outlaw abortion altogether.
But, honestly? Who benefits from pointing fingers and assigning blame? Not the kids who are living with the abuse and neglect. The fact remains that we, as a nation, are failing our children, and at an alarming rate. When will we divert the funds necessary to fight that war?
Every five hours, a child dies from abuse or neglect in the US.
...
I can't find words to follow those statistics. I had no idea it was that bad.
I love reading US news in other countries' media. This article is from the BBC; it asks some tough questions about how children are likely to fare being related to the state in which they're born. Texas and Vermont are contrasted - Texas is a low tax, low service state; Vermont is high tax/high service. According to the BBC, children in Texas are"... four times more likely to be incarcerated, and nearly twice as likely to die from abuse and neglect" as children in Vermont.
Of course, it's impossible to tease apart all of the factors at play in determining the likely fate of each American child. However, this article notes that, unlike the US, "...other rich nations have social policies that provide child care, universal health insurance, pre-school, parental leave and visiting nurses to virtually all in need."
At this point, I'd love to be able to present statistics on abortion rights in each state and proclaim that Texas is only interested in children before they are born. But it's not that simple. A summary of abortion regulations by state shows Texas to have less restrictive policies than most. I could try to use the Republican control of the Texas legislature as proof that the state's ultimate goal is to outlaw abortion altogether.
But, honestly? Who benefits from pointing fingers and assigning blame? Not the kids who are living with the abuse and neglect. The fact remains that we, as a nation, are failing our children, and at an alarming rate. When will we divert the funds necessary to fight that war?
Friday, October 07, 2011
Has Steve Jobs changed your life?
I just had a somewhat heated conversation with some coworkers that started with the death of Steve Jobs. I work in IT, so it wasn't completely off the wall when one person admitted she'd teared up when she heard the news, but then she added, "He changed the way we live our lives!"
"He changed the way rich people live their lives, maybe," I responded. She asked, "Do you have an MP3 player?"
"Nope."
Our other coworker chimed in: "Are you saying I'm rich because I have an MP3 player?" Yes, I answered, and offered to show her where her yearly salary falls on the continuum of yearly salaries drawn by the planet's population. Anyone concerned with how to store their music collection is rich, I stated.
"I consider my iPod a mental health device," she laughed.
"Anyone who has the leisure time to worry about their mental health is rich," I countered. Am I being too extreme asking privileged people to recognize their privilege? How can anyone be a citizen of the world - forget the world; just this country, in the middle of this economic free-fall, and not understand just how rich we are? To be sitting on my butt in a climate-controlled building (horrific fluorescent lights and all), working on a computer, looking forward to driving my car to my home where I have food and furniture and clothing...sure, I wish I had more space for more stuff and there are plenty of big-ticket things I hope someday to be able to afford (including an iPad), but I am not confused about how wealthy I already am. I am grateful every day for what I have.
Steve Jobs did make personal computers ubiquitous in our culture, no matter what OS they happen to run, so yes, he did change my life. But I am a rich person. There are billions of people who will never touch a device Steve Jobs helped to create, and their lives are no less valuable than mine.
"He changed the way rich people live their lives, maybe," I responded. She asked, "Do you have an MP3 player?"
"Nope."
Our other coworker chimed in: "Are you saying I'm rich because I have an MP3 player?" Yes, I answered, and offered to show her where her yearly salary falls on the continuum of yearly salaries drawn by the planet's population. Anyone concerned with how to store their music collection is rich, I stated.
"I consider my iPod a mental health device," she laughed.
"Anyone who has the leisure time to worry about their mental health is rich," I countered. Am I being too extreme asking privileged people to recognize their privilege? How can anyone be a citizen of the world - forget the world; just this country, in the middle of this economic free-fall, and not understand just how rich we are? To be sitting on my butt in a climate-controlled building (horrific fluorescent lights and all), working on a computer, looking forward to driving my car to my home where I have food and furniture and clothing...sure, I wish I had more space for more stuff and there are plenty of big-ticket things I hope someday to be able to afford (including an iPad), but I am not confused about how wealthy I already am. I am grateful every day for what I have.
Steve Jobs did make personal computers ubiquitous in our culture, no matter what OS they happen to run, so yes, he did change my life. But I am a rich person. There are billions of people who will never touch a device Steve Jobs helped to create, and their lives are no less valuable than mine.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Oops...I Did It Again
After swearing I would never refinance, I'm refinancing. The woman was straightforward in answering all the questions that I had (at the what must have been excruciating for her pace of one per day) - Are there upfront costs? Closing costs? Penalty for early payoff? Can I see an amortization of the proposed loan next to my current one? This is a fixed rate, right? Why is my current balance so different from the starting balance on the proposed loan? Ad nauseum.
All of the answers were the right ones - I get a slightly lower monthly bill, I pay less interest over the life of the loan, and my house will be paid off more quickly. Plus equity will accrue more quickly, which makes my renovation dreams slightly more likely to come true.
There's got to be a catch here somewhere. I hope I can afford whatever it turns out to be.
All of the answers were the right ones - I get a slightly lower monthly bill, I pay less interest over the life of the loan, and my house will be paid off more quickly. Plus equity will accrue more quickly, which makes my renovation dreams slightly more likely to come true.
There's got to be a catch here somewhere. I hope I can afford whatever it turns out to be.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
A post about grief and love and abiding
On August 23rd, one of my dearest friends lost her best friend - her brother - to suicide. Trav was many things - a son, a father, a lacrosse player...and an addict. He struggled with demons from the time he was a teenager and never could completely make his peace with them. I stood close to his family and my friend and just let them ache...because it was the only thing I could do.
Then I started reading about Katie Granju's son who died after a severe beating and a drug overdose. Henry was a son, a brother, an artist, and an addict. I've read Katie's blog documenting her grief and followed it down the rabbit hole to the blogs of other parents who have lost children. And I've tried to comprehend the pain that these parents have to live with for the rest of their lives.
There are many reasons I don't have children and I know that no matter how much I love the children in my life, I can't know the love their parents feel. I can't know what it is to have part of you taken away forever and still have to breathe afterward. The raw emotion is profound and humbling. I am not a parent, but I am someone's baby, even at 42 years old.
This post I linked in the title of this one is about families grieving for their lost members and remembering, and about how to go one living in the world, and about being compassionate with each other. Every single person you meet was a baby once, and that baby was vulnerable. That baby needed care and attention and love.
And still does.
May I learn to be willing to extend it.
Then I started reading about Katie Granju's son who died after a severe beating and a drug overdose. Henry was a son, a brother, an artist, and an addict. I've read Katie's blog documenting her grief and followed it down the rabbit hole to the blogs of other parents who have lost children. And I've tried to comprehend the pain that these parents have to live with for the rest of their lives.
There are many reasons I don't have children and I know that no matter how much I love the children in my life, I can't know the love their parents feel. I can't know what it is to have part of you taken away forever and still have to breathe afterward. The raw emotion is profound and humbling. I am not a parent, but I am someone's baby, even at 42 years old.
This post I linked in the title of this one is about families grieving for their lost members and remembering, and about how to go one living in the world, and about being compassionate with each other. Every single person you meet was a baby once, and that baby was vulnerable. That baby needed care and attention and love.
And still does.
May I learn to be willing to extend it.
Glad Kanelbullens Dag!
Sayeth Wikipedia: In Sweden, the country of its presumed origin, the cinnamon roll takes the name of kanelbulle (literally: "cinnamon bun") and on October 4, "Kanelbullens Dag" (Cinnamon Bun Day) is celebrated in Sweden.
I can't celebrate this holiday enough.
Monday, October 03, 2011
162 games later...
The Nats were only half a game under .500 and the Os didn't lose 100, so all in all, I guess it could have been worse.
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